Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Take Five: Types of People That Should Stay Home !

5. The "Cell Phoner":
Cellphones nowadays have  huge screens  coupled with astounding resolution. The Samsung Mega, for example, can pass as a hotplate in some cities. So you can imagine the glare it gives off in a dark theater. Almost as if one was carrying a miniature light house. I'm pretty sure you won't miss any vital Tweets, especially since you only have four followers, two of them being alter egos you created. Will your life prove any less significant if you happen to miss the trending pics of cats dressed as pimps on instagram? Wait, don't answer that. In other words, turn that s*** off!!

4.The Crying Baby:
I know its' been months since you and the madam have been able to have peace and quiet since your bundle of joy came into the world. Sorry I didn't get the chance to send flowers. I was busy ...um saying ...words and stuff. So the movie you guys have been waiting for is finally released. But oh darn! No baby sitter! So instead of waiting until you are able to find one, you decide to bring that screaming hell spawn, who runs around the theater like its' current dosage of Ritalin has proven ineffective, to ruin  every one else time. You know why I don't have kids? Because I like to watch my movies in peace and quiet! Get'em out of here! And take your Whole Foods soy breast milk with you!

3. Captain Obvious:
Let's say there's a scene in which someone gets stabbed with a knife. Don't you hate it when the person in back or to the side of you whispers loudly "He got stabbed with a knife!' Wowsers! Thanks for the enlightenment! Because even though I just witnessed it, all doubt was removed when you decided to let the theater know that our eyes did not deceive us  and that yes, someone was indeed stabbed...with a knife! And here I thought the surcharge was for the 3-D  viewing .When in reality, I was paying for your expert commentary. No need to buy the Blu ray now for its' extra features. (Mind Blown)

2.A Date:
"No I don't feel like explaining what just happened three minutes ago. Yes, I know Kim Kardashian can't act. They don't sell Airheads at the concession stand. I can't help if all the kernels didn't pop. I'm pretty sure we would get kicked out of the theater or even arrested if we try that here"

1.The Prognosticator: 
Oh, the worst of the worst! These are the individuals I want to punch with my foot! The people I want to hit with the Samsung Mega!  No one wants to hear your expert predictions because you happened to  glance at IMDB earlier that day to impress everyone that's not listening to you. Stop mouthing off dialogue before or along with the actors. You look like a mime whose had your fair share  of paint chips during your formative years. Stop giving the characters advice.They are in Paris, you're in Compton, They can't hear you!

1 comment:

  1. The reasons you have listed were both humorist and exactly the reason why I rarely attend the movies myself. Hopeful these people will take your words to heart and stay home so the rest of us can enjoy the cinema without interruptions.