Monday, December 7, 2015

Classic Corner: Dear Olivia...

Before we hop into our letter, I need you to grab a seat  for a couple of congregation announcements:

Uno: In the upper left hand corner (My left not your left silly) you'll notice that I have included a "Search" option for the blog!  Now you can peruse through every "Classic Corner" posted without the hassle of utilizing the blog archive! You know, I do things because I love you!

Uno + Uno= Two! I have created a Twitter account! (Insert spooky sounds for no apparent reason) Since you follow everyone from Beyonce to Grumpy Cat, why not add me to that list? On top of that, it's free! (What do you mean it doesn't cost money to follow anyone? Then who the hell have I been paying to stalk Betty White?)

Now, back to business!!!

Dear Olivia:

You and IIIIIII (Rick James Voice) , we go way back! I remember when I first became aware of you! You were prancing, in what I can only describe as a silly pajama set found on  a  random Cabbage Patch doll, on top of the Apollo Theater next to Heathcliff Huxtable.  I'm not allowed to use his real name because he's been erased from pop culture. You see, Rudy's cuteness was  beginning to wear off, so Carsey Werner and  the Pudding Man needed to act quickly or else they would lose a large percentage of their 3 year old and under demographic...or something. So, enter you Olivia and boy you didn't disappoint! From your spot on rendition of The Beatles' Twist and Shout to your desire to be a middle linebacker by the name of Bonecrusher, you had us eating out of the palms of your hands. But your glow worm like charm would only last but for so long. As you got older, you became more and more obnoxious. So much so that they had to introduce Winne and Nelson, the offspring of the least relevant of  Claire's kids: Sondra, and the bane of my existence: Elvin Tibideaux!

You have the face only a mother should abort!

But even with those jump the shark moments, which resulted in the inevitable cancellation of the "Uh", Ghost Dad Show,  your diabolical plans could not be thwarted. No, it just encouraged you to expand your brand that much more! It started when you decided to wet your talon in the pool of popular rap music. The result, a song that makes Snow's Informant seem like a bonus track off of Illmatic:

Where's Kanye When You Need Him!?

You then went on to plague, I mean, star in the beloved sitcom Hanging With Mr. Cooper. As a result, you  provided me with many bathroom breaks when the writers allowed you to grace my  television screen with your fellow imp of a co-star:

Yo Coop! How come I'm the only that who gets paid with  six packs of Zima!?

Ol' boy actually has a Sound-Cloud page and assured me that his songs would get me to "move my body". Well, if he was referring to the convulsions I was thrown into after listening to a snippet of his artistic offerings than he was absolutely correct. Back to you Olivia! So  you went on to conquer the world, or at least the Disney channel, with That's So Raven, a show so devoid of humor that D-Listed actor Stoney Jackson thought it was beneath him.

Taken Directly From His Still Active Black Planet Page

Since then, you've been in movies, have sold millions of albums (still trying to figure that one out) and have stretched your fifteen minutes of fame into  an over two decade stranglehold on pop culture . Even with you being somewhat of a mainstay on someone's scope, rarely have you popped up on my radar... until now. I have recently been made aware that you are currently a co-host on the show that can only be described as the side effect of menopause: The View. Now being that daytime television is the equivalent of watching Rick Ross attempt Pilates, I tend to avoid it at all cost. However, the "internets" keep me informed on all your foot in mouth shenanigans. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. So I won't hold it against you if you feel that Harriet Tubman shouldn't be on the twenty dollar bill or how you don't want to be labeled as "Gay". Rather you simply want to be known as  a "human who loves other humans"...right.
Don't worry! If she won't love you, I will!

But when you say  make a statement, such as the following, I have to put you in check:

I am very discriminatory against words like the ones that they were saying in those names... I'm not about to hire you if your name is 'Watermelondrea.' It's just not gonna happen. I'm not gonna hire you." - Olivia Kendall

I have to say Olivia, you are quite the imbecile! I thought you had reach the acme of your stupidity when you claimed that you where from "Every continent in Africa"! I'm sure the folks at where tripping over themselves to make you their new spokesperson.This latest quote though, takes the cake, that's if you haven't already eaten eat! The fact that you would not only rationalize but encourage discriminatory practices shows the level of self hatred that you possess. Now if you were to keep these opinions to yourself or within your inner circle,  fine! But you have projected  bigoted views on a national platform! This same platform that acts as the only source of information to some. Therefore, it makes your myopic views the gospel to those who don't encounter African Americans on a consistent basis! What that does, is that it creates and facilitates damaging notions that most of us ,of African American descent, have to combat against each and every day of our lives! And let's not even  mention  the hypothetical name you chose to use in your example! I'm sure you are quite aware that images such as watermelons fuel the damning stereotypes that have plagued our esteem for decades. Yet, you use it in such a flippant manner as if  it is simply a mere colloquialism  or worse yet, be used as a tool for comedic purposes. What makes this so mind boggling is that you yourself are a "minority" two times over! But let's bring this a little closer to home.Do you think you would be at  the top of the candidate pool at a Fortune Five hundred company with the name Raven hyphen Symone?  Let's take it a step further, since you are such an advocate against all things "Ghetto". You have sported some rather questionable styles in your brief stint on The View. One such look had me believe that you were the official spokesperson for the re-release of the cult classic Rock-A-Doodle!

How does the old adage go? Ah yes, don't throw stones if you live in a glass house, correct? Hopefully the occupants of said house use VHS copies of the Cheetah Girls, as oppose to wood, to keep that home warm.In closing Olivia, I'm pretty sure that your tenure on The View will be a long one being that controversy sells and there's always the need for  more house Negroes on the plantation. Since that quote, you have mitigated the actions of   a South Carolina cop who body slammed a young girl and lambasted the latest rendition of The Wiz. Well, at least we have the memories of you on the Leonard Part Six Show! 


Da CogNegro

Janice Dickerson has never looked better!

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