Cornelia’s Nook: A Day Without a Woman (an Alternative Facts version)

By: Cornelia L. Dolian

March 8th has long been International Women’s Day, some kind of celebration of the paltry contributions of the weaker sex. This year—because the COMMIES and the SJWs and the EVIL FEMINISTS want you to believe that women are oppressed—many women from around the world are also pledging a general strike in protest of supposed social and economic gender inequalities. To take part, these nasty, unfair women plan to:

1. Repay the generosity of the hard-working men who gave them jobs by NOT SHOWING UP TO WORK! They also plan to neglect their kids AND starve their poor husbands, who depend entirely on them for food (due to a newly discovered gene that prevents them from being able to cook).

2. Bankrupt businesses not owned by women or minorities, by only shopping at that feminist bookstore from Portlandia. While their families starve to death at home, they may also enjoy some ribs from that BBQ restaurant owned by Freddy on House of Cards.

3. Wear red: the color of Marxism and menstruation. In certain cities, right now, they are actually performing blood sacrifices so they can dye their clothes. It’s unbelievable (but totally true, just don’t ask for our sources!).

And you may think this is terrible. But wait, because sources say these horrible women are up to more than just that. Some factions are going EVEN FURTHER. Here’s what they’re planning to do AFTER March 8th (this is scary stuff, folks):

1. Destroy TV ratings by storming the networks and forcing them to play only boring, progressive, feminist shows like Gilmore Girls, Girlfriends, Golden Girls, Living Single, How to Get Away with Murder, Orange is the New Black, and Buffy: the Vampire Slayer.

2. Ruin movies by replacing all Bond girls, sassy sidekicks, and barely post-pubescent love interests of middle-aged men with pouty-mouthed sex dolls. Also, they’re planning to replace every buddy comedy and buddy action film with an all-female slumber party movie that has no pillow fights, and in which everyone is wearing adult onesie pajamas!  

3. Decimate their husbands’ colons by cooking only that meatloaf they hate for the next year.

4. Publicly breastfeed anyone who looks hungry, making it UNSAFE to go outside.

5. Destroy great American institutions like Victoria’s Secret and Gillette by refusing to wear bras or shave their legs.

We cannot let this happen. And we cannot cave to their demands.

Equal pay for equal work? Their work will never be equal! Science proves it.

Rape culture? Violence against women? Sexual harassment? That’s what THEY created, and clearly want, given they have replaced the Bible with a new holy book: 50 Shades of Grey.

All good, thinking people must unite against this tremendous threat. Chaos. So sad.

Just say nyet to A Day Without a Woman.

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Cornelia L. Dolian is a writer between websites. She can be found on Twitter, Medium and Facebook. Today she is trying her hand at satire.